at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
