oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
