i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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