rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
