Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
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