Plan B is the new Plan A
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
