can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
