So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
