I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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