If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
