Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
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