woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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