Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
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