Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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