i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
