i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Apparently you make a good broom.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
