whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
