someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
