I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
