This dress was meant to end up on your floor
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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