If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize