I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
