What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
