Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
