this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
