I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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