Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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