As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
