mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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