I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Randomize
