I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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