I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
