I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Randomize
