Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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