i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
