my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Randomize
