I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
