Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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