Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
jump out the window naked night went bad
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
