I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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