my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
