i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
