How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
