You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
