plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
