it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
