I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
