Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
