Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
