final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize