Got a toothbrush?
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I CAN MOONWALK!
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
