My liver just broke up with me...
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Randomize
