You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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