My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Randomize
