youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
