Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
