If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
