Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
