If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
