ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
