Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I pour the whiskey from now on
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
