i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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