I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
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